I got chris browned last night
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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