i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
