This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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