If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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