I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
