I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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