What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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