yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
