She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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