K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
