A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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