So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
