I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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