totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Randomize
