It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
We had to coat check the pizza.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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