You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
