I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
