The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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