So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
