i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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