I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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