everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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