Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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