I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
