Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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