also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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