census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
