I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
And then he peed in my hair
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