I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Operation Purity has been aborted
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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