I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
