So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
