I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
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