Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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