You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
