Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
