somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
