I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
