The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Randomize
