i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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