worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
