When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
