You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Randomize
