He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
