I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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