i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
