I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
