If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
