i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
