It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
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