apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
