There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Houston, we have a blender
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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