I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
